Sometimes I'm still scared.
There have been times when I have been in the car with my dad and felt uncomfortable. This feeling is not based on any experience I have had with my father. Sometimes, simply being alone with a man makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.
If a repair person is coming to the house, Shanna always has to handle it. The cable company came once when my sister was home. I called her every 10 minutes to make sure she was ok.
I lecture my sister and her friends (sorry girls), I send them Facebook links to articles on dating abuse and staying safe on college campuses. I question my sister about her friends and I don't let people in very easily. My aunt says I have walls, I call them protective barriers.
I still get scared. I won't answer the door if I am home alone. I don't answer phone calls if I don't recognize the number. My house stays locked tight, even at noon.
I still have nightmares occasionally. I know how to handle them when they happen. I have a support system that I go to when I am having trouble.
It gets better. It does. It's a lot of work. Every day I work at feeling safe. The first time I was pulled over after my assault I broke into a cold sweat, I was shaking and thought I was going to throw up all over the police officer. He of course took my reticence as an attitude and treated me with an ignorant attitude. That was very helpful.
The point of all this is that no matter how hard I work at recovering, I have bad days, just like anyone else. They're a little more intense than a normal bad day but with a support system I can make it through.
I'm not weak, I am a Survivor with a capital S. I have fought my way back from my experience and am a stronger, better person. So, if sometimes you feel scared, you're not weak. You've survived. There is a community of survivors that want to help. You just need to let us know you need us and we'll be there.
There have been times when I have been in the car with my dad and felt uncomfortable. This feeling is not based on any experience I have had with my father. Sometimes, simply being alone with a man makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.
If a repair person is coming to the house, Shanna always has to handle it. The cable company came once when my sister was home. I called her every 10 minutes to make sure she was ok.
I lecture my sister and her friends (sorry girls), I send them Facebook links to articles on dating abuse and staying safe on college campuses. I question my sister about her friends and I don't let people in very easily. My aunt says I have walls, I call them protective barriers.
I still get scared. I won't answer the door if I am home alone. I don't answer phone calls if I don't recognize the number. My house stays locked tight, even at noon.
I still have nightmares occasionally. I know how to handle them when they happen. I have a support system that I go to when I am having trouble.
It gets better. It does. It's a lot of work. Every day I work at feeling safe. The first time I was pulled over after my assault I broke into a cold sweat, I was shaking and thought I was going to throw up all over the police officer. He of course took my reticence as an attitude and treated me with an ignorant attitude. That was very helpful.
The point of all this is that no matter how hard I work at recovering, I have bad days, just like anyone else. They're a little more intense than a normal bad day but with a support system I can make it through.
I'm not weak, I am a Survivor with a capital S. I have fought my way back from my experience and am a stronger, better person. So, if sometimes you feel scared, you're not weak. You've survived. There is a community of survivors that want to help. You just need to let us know you need us and we'll be there.
It's so important for people to realize all of this. You can be scared and brave at the same time. You can be scared and strong at the same time. Its ok! And there are always people who are willing to help.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right, you absolutely are a Survivor (with a capital S). And, I'll deal with the repair guys for as long as you need me to. <3