Soul Searching...

I am a proponent of the New American Spirituality. The New American Spirituality is the result of the blending of various cultures and belief systems which mix and mingle in our little corner of the globe. Then we, as Americans, pick and choose that which fits us best.

This is a threat to organized religions. Most religions exist on the fear of damnation, if you don't follow their mandates and precepts you will certainly receive the punishment of eternal hell. What organized religion REALLY requires to survive, is the financial contributions of their followers. With all this influence, there is not a single organized religion that has solved any global issue. In fact, MOST have made global plagues like war and famine worse. Can you imagine what would happen if all the followers of the various world religions stood up and said they would withdraw their support if their church leaders didn't undertake a position of peace and spiritual honesty?

I have recently said that atheism suits my current state of mind better than any other option. However, I think I am becoming agnostic. Whatever I am, I feel like I am wasting my time by trying to define it. What is the purpose of a label, but to place someone in a little box? Labels exist less in a climate of inclusion and more in a climate of discrimination. Labels help others point and say, "you're a ______". I really don't want to BE anything but me. A me full of joy, love and peace.

So, I will continue my personal "New American Spiritual Journey" with Kundalini yoga, Reiki and a  Zen Buddhist meditation practice. My purpose on this planet has less to do with being a nameless, faceless member of a flock and more of a life full of purpose and assistance to my fellow travelers on this Earthly journey. If you need a shoulder to lean on or an all natural homemade hair conditioner, a friend for yoga class and a cup of tea or some Reiki time, just let me know. At the end of my time here, what will matter most is that what I did was a benefit to those around me. Not how much money I tithed to an institution that is one of the wealthiest in the world. I'd rather serve at a soup kitchen.

Tuesday's rant: Chris Brown is a jerk.

I have been so busy lately that I completely forgot my MILLIONS of fans who joyfully await my viral brain dumps. I am so sorry my lovelies and I promise that it will not happen again.

Today's mind spew revolves around some of the latest drama in the world of the men-children. They are always #winners in my book.

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about a man who lays his hands on a woman in any manner other than a loving caress. I do, however, believe that a man who has been found guilty of domestic violence can be rehabilitated. I also think that if said man has been rehabilitated, he should be aware that his behavior could forever be identified with him. This means that he will be apologizing for a long time. He should be prepared for that eventuality and ready to be making amends for the duration.

Not a mature response, I know. It makes me happy, so I'll deal with it.

Enter Chris Brown. I saw the pictures of Rhianna's face after he assaulted her. It was brutal. To be fair, I also take issue with her little duet with Eminem (an abuser himself) in his song that, in my opinion glorifies domestic violence. I never LOVED anyone's lies. Sorry, darling.

Mr Brown ALLEGEDLY broke a window at GMA today after Robin Roberts questioned him about his past. Of course his entire entourage was in the room, so I am sure they are all going to run to his defense. The broken window rained glass on Times Square. Now, Mr. Brown is taking his violence to innocent people just walking down the street.

My point? I am sick and damned tired of people like Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Eminem and Chris Brown who feel that they are somehow entitled to work out their puerile issues on the women in their lives. Guess what, no matter what the Bible, the Q'uran or whatever you claim validates your impotence says, YOU DO NOT, EVER, NEVER, NO WAY, HAVE THE RIGHT TO HIT A WOMAN. Go down to the bar and pick on someone who will lay you out. That's why men hit women. Because they are too cowardly to pick on someone they know will break their eye socket.

Another note, no one it ENTITLED to forgiveness. No one owes you forgiveness when you wrong them. It's a nice thing to do, forgive someone. But, you usually need to earn it.

I usually try to be more diplomatic and generous. I've just had enough with this childish behavior. Grow up Mr. Brown. You make me sick.

Grandmother, what a shiny hat you're wearing.

I am tired of people who are emotionally disturbed or have other miscellaneous issues putting their psychological garbage at my door. This is my manifesto.

If I am "selfish",  it is because I am well aware of the damage that permitting you to have unlimited access to my life would cause. If I am "controlling", it might be because you asked for my opinion or advice. Don't blame me if you ask what I think then don't like what you hear.


I understand that crazy people don't realize that they are crazy. It's an unfortunate conundrum for the insane. It's harder to get well when your brain is always telling you that you are right, even when you're wearing tinfoil to the movies.

Why this virulent manifesto to the insane?

When someone, even someone with their own page in the DSM IV makes a comment about myself or my attitude, I take the time to reflect. I feel that every statement, no matter how bizarre, has some basis in truth. I refuse to be a wacko in denial.


If you make a comment to or about me, I sit back and let it digest. Is it valid? Is there a lesson in here somewhere? I make the choice to open myself to the universe to teach me important lessons about being a better person.

I think it's about time you bought a mirror.

Why I'm An Agitator.

First a history lesson: Susan B. Anthony, Carrie Chapman Catt, Reverend Anna Howard Shaw, Elizabeth Cady Stanton,  Sojourner Truth,  Ida B. Wells, these are the names that we usually recognize as members of the Women's Suffrage movement.

Alice Paul

There was a smaller group, led by the indefatigable Alice Paul. She and her cohort Lucy Burns, joined NAWSA (National American Woman Suffrage Association) to create the Congressional Union whose sole purpose was to lobby for a congressional amendment to the U.S. Constitution. NAWSA's methodology involved a state-by-state movement, whereas the Congressional Union wanted a federal amendment. This lead to Paul, Burns and the other members of the Congressional Union breaking with NAWSA to form the NWP or National Women's Party. The NWP used a more public form of lobbying, which involved picketing the White House. This picketing lead to the women being arrested for obstructing traffic. The erroneous charge of obstructing traffic resulted in their being imprisoned in the Occoquan workhouse. The charge was erroneous as the women stood in front of the White House fence and at times, were chained to it.  If you've ever seen a picture of the White House you know there certainly is not a fence running down the center of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (Even before they shut the street down to traffic completely.) They were no more obstructing traffic than the White House itself.



Lucy Burns



Even in prison, Lucy Burns did not desist in her efforts to rally the cause. As the women were in fact, political prisoners, Burns demanded that the women be treated in kind, being provided with their own clothes, pen and paper to write their families and food. Their demands were not met. The clothes and linens with which they were provided were unwashed and infested with lice, the food contained maggots. On Burns' third arrest, she was given the maximum sentence. The night of that arrest the women were treated to, as they referred to it, the "Night of Terror". Injured women were refused medical treatment. Burns again demanded that they be treated as political prisoners with all the rights this status afforded. When she refused to desist she was shackled with her arms above her head to the bars of her cell.

The women in Occoquan were subjected to many indignities, the worst of all (in my opinion) was force-feeding. In the movie, Iron Jawed Angels, a portrayal of this makes the hair on the back of my neck go up. The women of the suffrage movement gave their lives, the health of their bodies and their energy to a right that some (if not most) of my gender take for granted; with no understanding of what it took to get us into the voting booth.

The "Night of Terror" as well as a detailed history of NWP's development and activites are detailed in the book Jailed For Freedom by Doris Stevens. Another of the courageous suffragists.

An excerpt from Jailed for Freedom featuring Rose Winslow 





Inez Millholland



For instance, I'd like to introduce you to Inez Milholland. I myself had never heard of the Vassar educated, labor lawyer before I saw Julia Ormand portray her in the movie, Iron Jawed Angels. Milholland traveled to France on a peace mission during WWI. She campaigned tirelessly for the vote across the West while dealing with pernicious anemia. During one of her speeches she collapsed, succumbing to complications of the disease on November 25, 1916, she was just 30 years old. Her last public words were, "Mr. President, how long must women wait for liberty?"


So, when I fight passionately for what I feel is important, when people look away because my voice might be a little too loud, I do it because of Lucy Burns. When someone refers to me as being "angry" because I refuse to back down, speak my mind and expect to be heard, I do it because Alice Paul did it first. When others want to stand back and play nice, hoping that through passivity they will achieve their goals... I reach in my pocket and squeeze my Suzie B. half-dollar, call on the spirit of Inez Milholland and let it rip. When I vote, I think fondly of those women who sacrificed to get me in that booth. I honor their memories by fighting for women and their rights.

We may no longer wear corsets, sit daintily and choose the prettiest curtains for our kitchens. Now, we choose curtains while blogging about our rights, calling our congress-people and Tweeting to get our voices out there. These bitchin' daughters of the suffragists won't stop fighting until we achieve every one of  those right they wanted for us and knew we deserved.



Copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill

TAKE THAT DOMA!!!!!

We interrupt our previously scheduled programming to bring you this news:

Today, the MAGNIFICENT Obama Administration declared DOMA unconstitutional and asked the DOJ to discontinue their defence of the bill.

"After careful consideration, including a review of my recommendation, the President has concluded that given a number of factors, including a documented history of discrimination, classifications based on sexual orientation should be subject to a more heightened standard of scrutiny. The President has also concluded that Section 3 of DOMA, as applied to legally married same-sex couples, fails to meet that standard and is therefore unconstitutional. Given that conclusion, the President has instructed the Department not to defend the statute in such cases. I fully concur with the President’s determination."

-Attorney General Eric Holder's statement as reported by Feministing


I am sure that the religious right will have something to say about this matter. Though their concerns have more to do with persecution and discrimination. There is really no arguing with them anymore, which is why I have included the following link for those who need a retort to their baseless claims.

The Bible Supports Same-Gender Marriage
By: Rev. Dr. Janet Edwards

Need I remind people that Jesus never ONCE discussed homosexuality in the Bible. Now, I'm sure someone will find a hidden gospel under a rock entitled, "Hearken the Homos: You're All Going To Hell". and "Christians" everywhere will have "proof" that homosexuality is wrong. Oh, well... women, gays, people of color... we'll never be safe.

At least, today, we have something to celebrate!

Dear Governor Quinn,

 On February 18th, you addressed the people of Illinois regarding your plans for the financial future of our state. You expressed several demands for consolidating our debts and eliminating programs in order to save money. Calling for bipartisanship within the community of lawmakers, at one point you said, "Put it out there for all to see. Saying no is not enough unless you are willing to offer real alternatives."

During the course of your speech you said, "Since taking office, I have reduced our spending every year. No area is above review."  Yet, in 2010 during the worst of the crisis, you felt the state was financially capable of providing your staff with pay raises. While most employees would agree that a paycheck should equal the responsibilities and effort required by a position, you and your staff are the servants of the people of the State of Illinois. You work for us, we do not work for you. Yet, we are increasing the pay of your staff when we are struggling to make ends meet, feed our families and in some cases find jobs. A reduction in the unemployment rate does not mean that there are people who are not still unemployed. I do not believe that your staff has made changes within our state that were effective enough to warrant a raise. The people of Illinois are being taxed and asked to give, give, give. When will your staff volunteer to do the same?

In response to the shellacking your office took as a result of this faux pas on your account, you compromised by making your staff take 24 unpaid days off. This resulted in a 9.2% salary cut and a savings for the state of $18 million. This, however, did not affect the salaries or pensions of the staff. I believe the people of the state would like to know how a 30% pay increase for Louis Bertuca was going to be offset by a 9.2% cut.

While this took place last year, I feel that it is an effective example of the nature of your policies as Governor.

You have again targeted the state's social services as the group that will feel the greatest effect of your budgetary restraints. Last year while your staff received financial increases, our state's most desperate people were left to struggle. You said during your address, "...we should never lose sight of the fact that our greatest asset is our human capital." 

What is your definition of human capital? The people who attend expensive fundraising dinners or the people who serve the food and mop the floors at those very same dinners? Human capital includes people who utilize our state's services. Women who are victims of domestic violence seek safety within in the walls of our struggling shelters. The women who then move into transitional living and are trying to rebuild their lives. The women seeking employment to support their children. These women are our state's human capital.

You want to ensure that our state's children receive the proper training in order to gain success in post secondary education and later in business that will benefit Illinois. What about the children that are living in violent homes?

72% of women going to a shelter bring their children with them and 21% bring 3 or more children with them. If, through your budget cuts, you make it harder for women to access shelter, you are making it more difficult for them to provide safety to their children.

Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. Not only do shelters provide life saving security to the women and children who are victims of domestic violence, they allow an opportunity to regain a life and sense of normalcy for these children.

"Longer-term proposals to reduce the incidence of violence include providing assistance and job training to women, thus according them the opportunity to acquire the external resources they need to end violent relationships. Other long-term proposals advocate counseling and other intervention strategies for perpetrators. Still others underscore the need to conduct community education efforts to promote awareness of assistance available for victims and to reduce community tolerance of domestic violence."

Providing Refuge: The Value of Domestic Violence Shelter Services
SHARON A. CHANLEY
University of Illinois at Springfield

JESSE J. CHANLEY, JR.
HEATHER E. CAMPBELL
Arizona State University
 
 
Domestic violence shelters are a lifeline for people in need. Making it more difficult to turn a life around and create opportunities is putting our state into fiscal and personal debt. It is the responsibility of those who can to help those who cannot. We cannot close the doors and shutter the windows on domestic violence. Ignoring it will not make it go away. It is our responsibility to maintain a place for safety and understanding.

Advocates who are employed with shelters and the volunteers that spend precious time there assist shelter residents with counseling, employment training and job searches as well as the navigation of government's complicated systems. Advocates assist with obtaining restraining orders and locating transportation for children so they can continue attending school. These precious angels receive very little compensation for their efforts and in the case of volunteers, none at all. We cannot afford to lose them.
 
If a woman can obtain a safe place to live, she can also access job training and employment. This, Governor Quinn, would lead to more tax revenue. Especially in this time of need our shelters are all the more important. As I am sure that you are aware, in times of economic crisis, partner violence increases.
 
"We built the first skyscraper – Chicago’s Home Insurance Building– allowing our cities to climb into the sky."  Through our unwillingness to provide help to those who need it most, the only thing in Illinois that will ever reach the sky will be our skyscrapers. As long as we knowingly allow our citizens to struggle we can not hope for success, nor would we deserve it.

I understand the need to trim the budget and tighten the collective belts of Illinois. However, the choice to cut funding for community resources will only create more financial strain. If an alcoholic does not have access to a treatment facility, drives drunk and kills a mother of two, then the people of Illinois will be paying to support him in prison. If a woman cannot find refuge for herself and her children and is murdered by her violent spouse, who will provide care for the children while their father is in prison? This is the sad side effect to a lack of resources. This is not necessary. We can change the future of the state by truly investing in our human capital. Our people.

I hope that you will take this into consideration when setting the budget in stone, Governor Quinn. When I voted for you in this past election, I voted for you hoping that you would be fair to all the people of Illinois. Please do not disappoint us.

Sincerely,

Michelle Cahill

Click here for Governor Quinn's speech.


Copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill





 


Quinn's budget and substance abuse programs.

Going Vegan Week 1

So, the whole going vegan thing is going well... well, down the drain. I've been vegetarian for three four days. I feel better, lighter, and less congested. (I mean congested in the middle not chest congestion.)

I am Buddhist, I'm also an atheist, I'm really not sure how that works out... but, anyway. Buddhists, for the most part, do not believe in the ingestion of meat. The theory is in order for you to have the meat to eat, an animal had to die. So, you are effectively ingesting death and with that, the pain and suffering of the animal as it died. Not to mention that killing someone/thing goes directly against the Buddhist principle of non-violence.

I killed a gnat once. He was seriously pissing me off, flying in front of my eyes and in my nose. After I squished him on the TV screen I cried for a few minutes. Who am I to end the life of another? (Am I really that devoted to the blissful sanctification of life or do I have emotional issues? Who knows!)

Because I do not see the actual process of ending the life of my "food" does that make it acceptable? Are there alternative ways for me to get protein and other benefits that would normally come from meat? Absolutely.

Now, onto the question of veganism. I have heard the opinions of people who think that veganism is an unhealthy lifestyle choice. I don't necessarily agree. There are lots of options for replacing nutrients. I am, however, finding difficulty with the eggs, milk and cheese aspect. I am Irish, we drink A LOT of milk.

I know that if a cow is not milked, the milk in her udder will curdle and make her very ill. Hens lay eggs every day. In my opinion this is a normal, natural thing. More harm would come from not milking the cow. The hen's eggs would go to waste if not collected. Maybe I am whitewashing the issue, because I really like eggs, I absolutely love cheese and I doubt that I could live without milk.

I do my best, I only buy cage free eggs. The milk I am not so sure about. I need to research where my dairy products are coming from and make the decision of whether to continue to include those items in my diet. When I get to it, I'll let you know.

Dealing With Sexual Violence: Sometimes I'm Still Scared

Sometimes I'm still scared.

There have been times when I have been in the car with my dad and felt uncomfortable. This feeling is not based on any experience I have had with my father. Sometimes, simply being alone with a man makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.

If a repair person is coming to the house, Shanna always has to handle it. The cable company came once when my sister was home. I called her every 10 minutes to make sure she was ok.

I lecture my sister and her friends (sorry girls), I send them Facebook links to articles on dating abuse and staying safe on college campuses. I question my sister about her friends and I don't let people in very easily. My aunt says I have walls, I call them protective barriers.

I still get scared. I won't answer the door if I am home alone. I don't answer phone calls if I don't recognize the number. My house stays locked tight, even at noon.

I still have nightmares occasionally. I know how to handle them when they happen. I have a support system that I go to when I am having trouble.

It gets better. It does. It's a lot of work. Every day I work at feeling safe. The first time I was pulled over after my assault I broke into a cold sweat, I was shaking and thought I was going to throw up all over the police officer. He of course took my reticence as an attitude and treated me with an ignorant attitude. That was very helpful.

The point of all this is that no matter how hard I work at recovering, I have bad days, just like anyone else. They're a little more intense than a normal bad day but with a support system I can make it through.

I'm not weak, I am a Survivor with a capital S. I have fought my way back from my experience and am a stronger, better person. So, if sometimes you feel scared, you're not weak. You've survived. There is a community of survivors that want to help. You just need to let us know you need us and we'll be there.

Victim blaming and why it's wrong.

It's a reaction that no one wants to admit to having. When an individual is attacked the first thought that arises has to do with how they brought the situation on themselves. What was he doing there? Why was she dressed like that? Sure, it's a reaction. However, it can be easily refuted with a little education.

I have dealt with my fair share of victim blaming. When I was being driven home after my assault, the driver was relentlessly deriding me. What did I expect? I was at a party with four guys, he kept telling me that I had asked for it.

Let's deconstruct that argument. I was at a party with four men, A,B,C and D. A was my boyfriend, B was a mutual friend of us both, C was another mutual friend of ours and D was a friend of C's who was also a police officer. Why shouldn't I feel safe? What should be expected from that situation? After dark, men lose control and turn into sex-crazed, sadistic rape-wolves? All us delicate females should head for home at dusk? To the safety of our fathers and brothers? What would this man have to say about himself and his friends if he admitted that his friend was a rapist? It was easier to say that I was a stupid female who got what she was asking for. This argument follows the idiotic age old argument that men are better and women are somehow less valuable.

Argue all you want but this is an inherent truth about our current situation regarding the inequality of gender. Rape is not about sex, it's about power and control. Rape is the action borne of the idea that one person has a right or an entitlement to another's body, regardless of the owner's opinion. Until we adjust the current attitude that men and women are unequal, we will encounter these problems forever.

There are lessons that can be learned when we look at situations in which a woman is attacked. And the lesson is that no matter what a woman does, she is never safe from a sexual assault. We encounter sexual assault in domestic violence and teen dating situations. How can you blame a woman whose husband has taken her keys and her access to family funds, as well as threatens the life of her children, for not leaving? Not to mention the pages and pages on the isolation techniques abusers use to create a bubble in which the victim lives, cut off from everyone who loves her and anyone who can help. Men have been known to threaten and abuse the family pet to control their partners. Who can judge someone for wanting to protect the innocent?

I've heard that lesbians just need a "deep-dicking", they just need a man to "give it to them right". A feminist's husband needs to "teach her her place". "If that was my wife", is another argument. These are violent statements in which women are portrayed as less-than and as though they are the possessions of their partners. Should they simply submit to men, they would follow the path indicated for them. However, this very submissiveness that is demanded from them is the submissiveness that is used to blame them when they become victims of the men in their lives.


It's a double standard. We will continue to be blamed ad infinitum. Every time someone blames the victim, I ask, so men have no control? Men are animals? No greater than a dog in heat? How can society blame a woman for being stereotypically female when she is the victim of a crime and not blame the man for being stereotypically male?


copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill

Pearl Jam Black MTV Unplugged

Happy Valentine's Day!!
Not really a big love song... but I love Eddie!

Spiritual Saturday: The Search

SWF, 28 seeks Spiritual Practice (age not important).  

Pros: An understanding and willingness to forgive.

Cons: Prejudice, judgmental nature, arrogance

An established deity is not a must.

I don't subscribe to any particular religion. As of right now, I am an atheist. I acknowledge the greatness of the universe and nature. Its vastness and intrigue overwhelms me. I don't need to create an omnipitent figure to fill in the blanks though. It is what it is.

I do believe that it is possible to have some sense of spirituality without being involved in an organized religion. I read a NY Times article a while ago (and of course I can't find it now) in which a priest claimed that an individual cannot have a connection to spirituality without direct involvement in an organized religion. I believe he said it was lazy.

I'm not lazy, I was involved in my church as a young person. I was active in the teen group and worked in the rectory two nights a week. I portrayed the Virgin Mary during our living Stations of the Cross during lent, I was the archangel Gabriel during the Christmas homily on Sunday in Advent. I went to church before school on the high holy days. My dad and I participated in a weekly prayer group where we transported a statue of the Virgin Mary to a different home every Saturday night. When it came to my faith I was anything but lazy. Then my church came tumbling down off the pedestal upon which it had sat for years. Ever since, I have floundered, researched and considered converting to numerous different religions.

Yet, organized religion has been responsible for some of the greatest atrocities known to man. You don't want to convert? Ok, we'll just kill you then. Gee, sign me up!



Whaddya mean no divorce?


Religions have been created and manipulated, altered and converted for numerous reasons. The Anglican Church was founded because the See of Rome was taking a few too many liberties with the autonomy of the King of England. He wanted a divorce, Rome wanted to maintain its allegiance to Spain and the Holy Roman Emperor. (No, I did not get all of this from The Tudors. I have been obsessed with the chubby monarch for years. Though Showtime's Henry was much more delicious. Scandalous Irishman!)

My issue with the fluidity of the evolving of religion is that I question the sanctity. How am I supposed to adhere to a divine law that changes with ease depending on who is in charge?



My point, religion in its essence is fluid. A connection to god, a higher power or the universe requires the ability to release, let go and allow in. To give yourself over to the belief in a system an opening must take place. I embrace my belief in nothing, because in nothing there is nothing taking up space. There is room for growth. I believe in an essence, a soul if you will. What happens to this essence when I die, who knows? Will I splinter into tiny little stars? Will nothing happen and I once again join the soil from which my ancestor clambered eons ago? I don't know and I won't know because no one can come back to tell me. I don't lack faith. So, don't insult my intelligence by saying that that is my problem.









Off with her... what?

copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill

Why I read Better Homes and Gardens in secret...

It certainly isn't a secret anymore. Oh, well.

I bought the Better Homes and Gardens pink cookbook for breast cancer awareness. Inside was a complimentary year subscription to the Better Homes and Gardens magazine. I delightfully took advantage of a free thing. At least, that was my public response. Secretly I was thrilled. I love BH&G. I love the earthy decor and yummy recipes.

I know the houses in the magazine don't look like this every day. A massive staff has come through with toothbrushes and bleach. The linens are probably brand new or at least had just been fetched from the dry cleaner's.

I just love the fantasy that someday, all that clean beauty is somehow attainable. It's not. One can dream.



copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill

Going Vegan

More to come...

EEEEEK!!! BRAS!



So pretty and not my size.



Not long ago I went bra shopping. I detest this chore, I buy two or three and wear them until the straps snap. Usually the strap comes sailing out of the collar of my shirt striking someone in the eye on a train or in a store. I have a tendency to turn about two degrees and the underwire will snap. Audibly. Needless to say, I really, really hate bra shopping... and bras, I hate bras.



Standing in the aisle at the store, I stare at all the adorable (read: little) bras with gorgeous colors and lacy appliques. They had sweet little names like Mimi, Tiffany and Daisy. These names imply delicacy; a thin, usually blonde woman running in the sunshine across a field. The sun illuminates her dress, highlighting her lean legs. Hair flowing behind her as she leaps into the arms of her love. He twirls her around and as they kiss chastely, the sun begins its descent behind them. She smiles, her gorgeous white teeth flashing as she tosses her head back in an act of ecstatic gorgeousness. I do not like this woman.

Mimi, Tiffany, Daisy and one of their less attractive friends.

I pass the racks of cotton candy colored bras hanging in neat, perky rows. On to the racks for the giant breasted. The racks look like an angry tornado with PMDD had a temper tantrum and they bore the brunt of the fury. This is where I belong, with the more appropriately sized, and named, bras



Just My Size

I'm more of an Olga. Seriously, the name of my bra is Olga. Olga brings to mind a sturdy, well-built (read: large boned) woman in a field picking potatoes. No man lifts Olga to kiss her chastely. Olga lifts her man. She is a no nonsense lady. Ruddy and strong, she wields an iron fist and her children are always clean. Functional, not sexy. There will be no running across dewy fields for Olga, Olga sees a field and ponders the constructive uses for it. She cracks walnuts between her gigantic mammaries.



Olga's crowd.

 
I'm learning to embrace my Olga. Olga supports the ladies and the ladies need lots of support. Forget Mimi and Tiffany, those girls would crack under the pressure. Bring me Olga and her girlfriend, Helga. They can handle whatever I throw at them.



copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill





Jennifer Hudson Sings "Feeling Good" on New Years 2011

A warm smile on a cold day!
I love this song. Jennifer Hudson looks amazing and sounds even better!

Dealing with Sexual Violence: 6 Years Later

My allies: Shanna, her step-brother,
Sean and her dad.

I have felt a great desire to share the struggles I have come up against in my recovery. Sometimes, I think the hardest part of being a survivor has to do with the years after, rather than the event itself. The event can last days or mere minutes but the damage to the spirit can take years to heal.

The body of a survivor has been compromised by being put in a violent position involving sex. It can make everyday activities uncomfortable for a very long time. Seeing someone who looks like my assailant can cause me to panic, being alone with a man can turn my stomach and make me uncomfortable. I recognize when these feelings are residual and acknowledge them, then allow them to pass. But, I am always sure to test myself. Is there a legitimate potential for danger? If so, I need to act accordingly.
There are times when I get out of the shower and am physically uncomfortable with my own nudity. I put on a towel quickly and avoid the mirror. It's hard to de-sexualize certain things. It helps to stop, be gentle and remind myself that I am safe and OK. The feeling usually passes quickly but reminds me that I have to work everyday at my recovery.


Counseling helps. Communicating with a trusted friend is also wonderful. However, recovery from a sexual assault can take years, if not a lifetime. Not too long ago, I called my volunteer supervisor at the sexual assault service center I volunteer for. I had had a horrible nightmare. It was the same nightmare that I had had for a long time after the assault. She was wonderful and full of ideas for ways to overcome this bump in my road. She gave me what I needed most, an ear. I've had people ask me what they can do when a friend tells them of a sexual assault. Most want to encourage police contact and give advice. My advice, just listen. Be an ear and a shoulder. Don't judge, push or chastise if the survivor isn't doing what you think they should. It's their journey, all you can do is be supportive.

It's hard for some people to keep their personal feelings out of the aforementioned situation. I remember shortly before my assault, having a conversation with a friend who had been assaulted herself. I was angry with her because she didn't want to go to the police. I felt that she was stronger than that. I thought that she should fight back. It was unfortunate that I became a victim a short time later. The morning after my assault I called her in tears, apologizing for judging her. I now knew the terror that came with being in that position. Speaking to the police or going to the hospital was out of the question. I lay curled in a ball on my bed waiting for my friend to come over. To her great credit, she never once said to me the things that I had said to her. She only got terse with me once, that was when she told me to stop apologizing. She held my hand and cried with me. It was exactly what I needed in those hours.

I usually tell people, if you have never been the victim of a sexual assault, do not presume to know what the victim is going through or tell them what they should do. You cannot fathom the depths of their hell. I recognize now that those feelings and thoughts had nothing to do with my friend's assault. They were my opinions and had no business in her situation.  She had already been a victim, I was making it harder on her by victimizing her with my words. She didn't need a lecture, she needed a friend.

I believe that survivors, once they have established a strong recovery, should be encouraged to help other survivors. They can understand what the survivor needs, a hand to hold and an ear to listen. We are a community and sadly, we are a large one. Our greatest strength is our loyalty to each other and dedication to eradicating this epidemic. I will continue to tell my story, as long as there is someone willing to listen.



copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill

Emanuel v. Chico: Election Civility

I get to watch a lot of teevee. It just happens to be on in the background, pretty much all day. So, I get to see a lot of commercials. A lot of campaign commercials. I was contemplating puncturing my own eardrums during the November election. I was so sick of the negative tone.

"My opponent kicks puppies."

"My opponent will come to your granny's house and take her walker, WHILE SHE IS USING IT."

"My opponent drinks the blood of babies..." (Oh, wait...)

"So and so is going to raise your taxes, then use the money to smuggle drugs into the country for his/her underage lover!"



Enter Rahm Emanuel and Gery Chico.

They have been running ads for a couple of weeks. Today was the first time I saw an ad which attacked the other. I didn't mind the ads in which they described their goals for the city. To be honest I don't know too much about Gary Chico. I live outside the Chicago city limits so I can't vote in the mayoral race. I think that I should be able to, as I reside in the same county as Chicago and have felt the sucking as the city absorbs the majority of Cook County's resources. I have often said that I feel the city should be its own county. As I will be moving to the city in the near future, I also think I should get to vote. If I am going to live there within the next two years, shouldn't I get to pick who is going to be in charge?

Although, that might just be because I am a control freak and want to be involved in everything. I digress.

Anyhoo, so I saw the first ad in which one of the contenders attacked the other. It was an ad by Mr. Chico attacking Mr. Emanuel. Now, if I were going to vote, it would be for Mr. Emanuel. Mr. Daley, while being a blubbering fool at times, did create an international relationship for our city. One that has benefited the city for years. A mayor without the international street "cred", I think, would be a detriment. This international "cred" is already a part of Mr. Emanuel's repertoire. His involvement with President Obama has boosted his image, for better or worse. (I think, for better.)

That and he is a former ballerina with a mouth like a sailor and nine and one half fingers. That should win him some diversity points.



Chattel

I was watching America's Funniest Home Videos last week, I don't usually watch this show. It just happened to be on. During a montage of "funny animal videos", I noticed that quite a few of the videos were of cats being put in situations in which they could be, or actually were, injured. There was one video in which a cat was rubbing her face against the bars of a hamster cage. The hamster grabbed the cat's ear and bit down, then chewed on her ear for several seconds. Call me hyper-sensitive, I thought it was disgusting . I have three cats, these are only the latest in a lifetime of feline/human relationships for me. I am well acquainted with the delicate nature of their ears. I didn't find the video at all humorous. It would be the equivalent of a hamster chewing on your eyelid.





http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=857871





I was left to ponder why the American public would find this amusing. I could make the regular arguments about the random vulgarities of the American consumer. However, I would like to think more of the country as a whole.

Then I am left to ponder people like Michael Vick. A man who engaged in the most ruthless of "sports", not only physically participating but also reaping the financial rewards (read: tainted blood money).

My sister (the animal whisperer) explained to me how pit bulls are conditioned to violence, that they are sweet and gentle by nature. When the pit bull is in the ring, fighting against another dog, the owner/"trainer" stands behind their dog. The dog is "fighting" because he is trying to protect his owner from the other dog. That is a blatant abuse of the animal's affection. I cannot put into words the fury that rises when I think of what it must take to abuse someone's devotion to such a violent and disgusting end. I cannot understand the NFL's decision to allow Vick to return to a position of influence and the benefits inherent to that position. I believe that the arrogant belief that an individual is superior to an animal for any number of asinine reasons is ridiculous. I also don't believe that that arrogance can be "rehabilitated" out of a person. Maybe I am just not as forgiving as I should be.

Then there is Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger was accused of an alleged sexual assault TWICE! Is he being persecuted by the liberal media and womyn? Doubtful, sounds like Mr. Steeler just can't take "no" for an answer. If you read between the lines, the decision not to proceed in the case is the decision that you hear constantly when the district attorney declines to prosecute. Declining to prosecute has more to do with the DA wanting to keep their numbers up in the "win" category and less to do with a serious dedication to justice.

My point? These are two high profile examples of serious epidemics in this country. The name of said epidemics? The inconsequence of women and animals. Would a murderer be allowed to resume a career of prominence and allowed to take the position of role model to thousands, if not millions? I understand the need to live within a forgiving society and that once a person has paid their debt they should be allowed to continue their lives. But, when you abuse your humanity, deserving forgiveness is questionable.


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A special THANK YOU to Chunky Monkey Mind for including a link to my blog on the GOP's redefinition of rape. Whatever your stand on abortion rights, I think we can all agree that changing the legal definition of rape is a bad idea.

Interconnectedness

I was talking to a friend last week about relationships. Not just relationships between friends, lovers and family; relationships between me and the guy driving the car next to me. Six degrees of separation.

When you hear about signs of the Apocalypse, you hear about global currency or the earth united behind a global leader. Those are two things that I can't see happening anytime soon. Yet, I am mystified. Why would a common global interest be a bad thing? When I think about the potential for an apocalypse, I think about people hurting each other. Murder, sexual assaults, child abuse, these are signs of the apocalypse to me. These are things that are happening RIGHT NOW.

A sign of the apocalypse is certainly not the world united for the betterment of its people as a whole.

We share the earth. A butterfly here causes a monsoon over there. Leave the water running while you brush your teeth and you're diminishing the water supply for the rest of the world. The earth doesn't belong to one person, one country or one race of human being. We share it and it behooves us to treat it as such.

There are so many individual groups all fighting for some purpose. There are LGBT rights, women's rights, rights for people of color, rights for fathers, the right to choose, religious freedom. Everyone is fighting for a "right" of some kind. Everyone of them is fighting for one thing. The right and the freedom to be free and allowed to live as they choose. These are inalienable rights and rights entitled to each and every person, solely based on their membership in the human race.

Of course I am not advocating the exploitation of another because someone feels they have a "right". That is a semantic argument and one made by someone who just likes to start trouble. Each person's rights end quite clearly when they infringe upon the rights of another person. We all understand that intellectually.

I also don't believe that someone can be denied a right because of someone else's belief system. I find it amazing that we have no tangible proof of a god. Excepting the arguments made by each religion to affirm its validity and in my opinion that is a biased argument. Yet every day, someone on this planet deprives another of his/her rights because of a belief in something that cannot be proven or seen.

In the future, I will drive more cautiously. I will behave more courteously. I will treat my brothers and sisters who are also children of the same mother (our Mother Earth) in kind. With love. Because that is my only responsibility. Not to judge, not to steal, cause pain to or treat with hate. I will share and hope they will share alike. I know then that I am living my interconnectedness.

This is my response to the GOP's redefinition of rape. Warning: this contains the explicit description of a sexual assault.

The night I was sexually assaulted, no one beat me to a pulp. I didn't go home with lacerations to my face. The man who raped me was a friend of a friend. My boyfriend was at the party with me. It was the weekend of the Fourth of July. We were shooting of firecrackers and drinking. I was 21.

I started to feel sick, so I was told by the host that I could lie down in his room. One of the guests came into the room and took his pants off. He placed my hand on his penis. I was terrified. As a young woman, I had been indoctrinated. Don't embarrass someone, don't make someone feel bad. I lay on the bed terrified. I pretended to be asleep. He used my limp hand to stroke himself. I said, "no, what are you doing?" He said, "Ssssh, it's ok. You know me." I was so upset, I bit my lip as tears fell from my eyes. I wanted to pretend this wasn't happening. I started to shake. The light went on, the host had walked in. "Whoa!" He said. I sat up quickly and ran from the room. I stopped my boyfriend in the hallway, "DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE", I said. I thought I was safe, it had only just begun.

I needed to find my purse. I searched the house. I couldn't find it. I walked into the kitchen where the host was, holding my purse. I was stone-cold sober at this point.

The host was holding my purse, "looking for this?" I went to grab my purse, I told him I was leaving. He told me he would take me home. I said I was leaving with my boyfriend. He said my boyfriend didn't deserve me. He said that I didn't need my boyfriend. He pushed me against the washing machine. I pushed him away. He pushed me back and started to kiss my neck. I said no. I pushed. He pushed back and turned me around. He pushed me over the washing machine and pulled my pants down. As I sobbed and said, no, no, no, no. He penetrated me. My thighs had bruises for days from pounding against the machine. The doctor in the ER said they looked like something that could happen from rough sex. I cried out when he penetrated me anally. I was crying and praying. I kept saying no, no, no, no. For the entire 15 minutes of my rape the only word I uttered was "no".

When he finished, he pulled up my pants. I was shaking, as I made my way to the door. He asked if he could call me. I was in such shock I must have said yes. As he left a message on my answering machine a few days later. I walked into the living room and asked where my boyfriend was. He had left. He had walked in during my assault and turned around and went home. Another guest drove me home. The whole way he derided me as I sobbed. Telling me I got what I asked for. You see, I was the only girl there.

Why didn't I scream you ask? Why didn't I yell for help? Why didn't he have to beat me so I fit the television definition of a rape victim? My rapist had a gun. He was a police officer.

The GOP says this wasn't rape. Do you agree?

From Simone de Beauvoir to Sex and the City



Letters to Sartre on Amazon



I've been reading Letters to Sartre, a collection of Simone de Beauvoir's letters to Jean-Paul Sartre during thirty-three years of their life-long love affair. The letters selected for this book begin in 1930 during Sartre's military service, continue through World War II and end in 1963. I haven't finished the book, but I am enjoying it.

The letters include the mundane of every day life, from meals eaten to friends seen. Yet, you can feel the loss of her partner in every word. The details that they were used to sharing when they could see each other nearly every day, are the ties that bind them when they are apart. 

In a letter dated, October 8, 1939 she is discussing the relationship between them as a couple and their loved ones. As well as, how people view corresponding relationships between their loved ones and those their loved ones choose to love. The "morganatic marriage" between the two philosophers allowed them to engage in love affairs with other people. At times, these extraneous lovers were shared between them. de Beauvoir's letters (as the book contains only her own) comment upon the behaviors of these people. She refers to the strain that some people were on her life, as she steadfastly proclaims her adoration of the same. de Beauvoir could damn and elevate as she saw fit. All the while, clearly intuiting the motivations behind their actions. Only Sartre and de Beauvoir were aware of the exact nature of these relationships and often provided alibis so that the other could visit a lover other than who they were seeing at the time.

The fascinating thing is that (so far) not once has de Beauvoir expressed any concern that Sartre would be taken from her in any way but the outcome of  war. These other women were no threat to the pure and exact nature of their relationship. Her self-containment was such that she didn't even believe it possible. The only thing she has yet complained of is losing days when Sartre is on leave to one of his lovers. Her confidence is astounding. As well as enlightening.



Maybe this is a weird connection. It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City. Everyone shows up late at a restaurant for Carrie's birthday and she has already gone home. Charlotte goes to Carrie's apartment and scares her in the shower. After convincing her to join just the four friends for dinner, Charlotte takes Carrie to the diner. The girls are sitting around the table disscussing their relationships and Charlotte says, "Maybe we can be each other's soul-mates... guys can just be these great people to hang out with...". (I am paraphrasing.)      

       

It made sense to me. Why do we elevate other people to a status within our lives and psyche that gives them the power to damn us and how we feel about ourselves? Where is our self-confidence that permits another to live their life without our "control". Does it matter what a friend of a friend thinks of me? Will my relationship with someone deteriorate if they develop a new friendship or a love affair? If everyone were to leave me today, would I cease to exist? Is my worth and value caught up in the feelings of another?

These two cultural opposites, got me thinking the very same thing. What part of my value is determined by myself alone? Shouldn't it be all of it? From now on it will be.

Tattoo Gurl

This one was done the same day as my Buddha.

Last week, I was perusing (creeping) some other blogs and came across a blog about tattoos.  It was excellent, I highly recommend it. My sister is considering her first tattoo, so we have been talking about it a lot. She has these fantastical designs that she wants to put in absurd locations, a lot of our conversations have been tactical. We've talked about why I decided to get a tattoo in the first place, why I picked the tattoos that I have and why I picked the places I did. Then there are the usual questions that everyone asks:

Did it hurt? No, I enjoy being stabbed multiple times a second. It wasn't the tattoo itself so much as the sun-burny feeling and the itching that comes after.

Don't you think you'll regret it when your 40? Sure, if my skin is sagging because I didn't take care of myself and I look as though I have a 6 pack a day habit and a crack addiction. No, I won't regret it. Each of my tattoos was carefully thought out and planned. Unless I have some sort of Kafkaesque metamorphosis I should be fine. Though if that were the case I would have turned into a roach, so I don't think I'll mind the tattoos so much.

What if you marry someone who doesn't like tattoos? Well, if I my future spouse suddenly exclaims during the vows, "WHAT! You have tattoos! This is not acceptable! I had NO IDEA!!" I think we have some other problems that need addressing.

I like really simple designs, with character.

I hid my tattoos from my dad for a long time. I'm not ashamed and since it's my body and my money, I'm not all that concerned. However, I respect the fact that he doesn't approve so I don't throw them in his face. One afternoon a few summers ago, after we had been experiencing several waves of thunderstorms, my dad was standing in my crawl space which had flooded. The crawl opening is in our laundry room. Shanna and I call it "the dead body shoot". This put his head at shin level. I was standing in the doorway talking to him, when suddenly he exclaimed, "WHAT THE HELL IS ON YOUR LEG?!!" On my ankle sat a chubby, happy Buddha with a smug little smile. I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "oops". He was not amused.

Sure, my dad is old school, but gone are the days when only bikers or ex-cons proudly displayed their ink These days, your children's kindergarten teacher most likely has a butterfly tattooed on her ass, to commemorate that spring break in Cancun.To be a really sexy pin-up a girl, a few tattoos are a plus (if not a must). Tattoo parlours have their own television shows and tattooing has been recognized as the art form it has always been.

I started out small, I wasn't totally committed to permanent body modification. To be honest I wasn't totally committed to paying someone to inflict pain on me.  I was nervous that I would get sick of a particular piece. I had decided from the outset, no color and no locations that I couldn't cover. I quickly got over that. So, I got another and another and another. They got a little bigger and a little bigger. Now I am planning a half-sleeve, I've been planning it for a few months. Whats holding me back? Funds. Tattooing isn't cheap. I told my sister I wouldn't pay for her first tattoo. In my opinion, that's a big part of making sure that you don't make a bad decision. I don't know too many people that are going to shell out five hundred dollars or more to be pierced with a needle for hours at a time if they aren't fully committed to the outcome.

Tattoos are pieces of art. A piece of art that you get to carry around with you for a lifetime. If it's something that is important to you, you won't regret it. There are days when I see my foot and think, "damn, that's not going anywhere...". Then I usually smile, because it's totally original and fantastic. So, tattoo safely and with joy. If you're smart about it, you'll never regret it.


My birthday present from Shanna. Ouch! Foot tattoos hurt, like a m'fer.



I Call Bullsh*t

 Before I start, I need to thank Michelle for letting me vent on her blog. Best bff ever! Yup, so here we go...

I decided today that I would give myself a little treat. I gave myself an hour to get away from the ten thousand things I have on my to-do list. Probably not the most responsible decision I’ve made, but hey, sometimes you just need time to breathe. So I spent a chunk of my afternoon with a veggie burger and my very own personal guru. Lunches with said guru usually become one of three things: Let’s talk politics and policy, Let’s talk goals and dreams, or Let’s talk about you and your present issues (however big or small they may be). Today was a combo-platter…item one, followed by two and three. Once we got the State of the Union out of the way, we moved on to figuring out how my present issues are stopping me from reaching my goals. And by that I mean that I spent an hour with a veggie burger and my guru calling me on ALL of my shit.

Doesn’t sound like a treat? Well, somehow, it always actually is. It’s not like anything that she says to me is something that I haven’t already said to myself, so it’s never a shock to hear. But it’s always interesting to talk to her, because she gets me. Like, really GETS me. Sometimes I think she may actually be in my head somehow. Creepy. Anyway, she told me today that I’m a talker. Not in terms of, “Hey, you never shut up”, but rather that I talk a big game, but never follow through. True. She said that I talk that game in order to keep myself from having to feel anything; thought before emotion. True. And she said that I also do it to keep myself from ever having to actually commit to something. Also true.

So what does that all mean then? Well, Guru set forth a challenge for me, and I’m going to pass it on to you. I am supposed to catch myself every time I’m “talking my game”, every time I’m planning in order to avoid doing, every time I’m lying to myself. I suppose everyone has something that happens in his or her head that he should try to catch himself doing, whether it’s being unjustly critical of someone, unjustly critical of himself, making himself into the victim/martyr, or maybe blaming himself for things that are not his fault. Try to catch yourself. It’s actually pretty amazing how often we do this kind of stuff to ourselves. It’s also amazing how much space you’ll have in your head if you catch it and stop it.

There's your challenge. Try it for a week. Also, please feel free to call bullshit on me anytime. Really. C'mon, you know you want to...

                                                            ~Shanna

This is what my sweet, 

loving kitten thinks of bullshit.