My mom turned twenty-nine on December 16th and as a gift, I gave her the day off and something to enjoy it with. Franzia! It was her favorite color, white zinfandel. So, for my mother's birthday, I have prepared a special tribute. A list of my favorite Karen quotes. Enjoy!
"Why the fuck does that woman keep staring at me? What is her problem?"
"Mom, I think she's blind."
"Oh."
"Knickerbocker. Is that your real name or is she making fun of you?"
"No, that's my name."
*pause* "...Oh... is it Dutch?"
"Mom, Brenna is doing Patrick's homework."
"So? That's nice for him. I used to do your homework."
Dad: "That explains a lot."
In church:
woman in pew behind family: *sniff, sniff*
Karen: angry glance over shoulder
woman in pew behind family: *sniffle*
Karen: angry sigh accompanied by angry glance
woman in pew behind family *sniff, sniff*
Karen: turns entire body around to stare at woman, turns back (under her breath) What is WRONG with that woman?
Me: Mom. We. Are. In. Church.
Karen: whatever, it's disgusting
Following the birthday theme:
*ring, ring*
Me: "Mom, it's 5 am. What do you want?"
"I wanted to say happy birthday to my baby girl."
"Ok, great. Can I go back to sleep now?"
"My first baby, it was such a beautiful day. The day you were born, it was a Sunday..."
"I know, Mom. We do this every year..."
"I can still remember the song playing on the radio..."
"Goodbye Mother."
*Click*
"My baby girl. She was such a good nurser. That's why her breasts are so big."
This is usually delivered to a large group of people in a public place while gesturing in the direction of my chest.
Every parent has "the talk" with their kids at some point. My mother, when I was a bit older once said to me:
"If a man doesn't want to do oral sex, he's selfish. Dump him."
"If you want to be Jewish, I'll still love you."
Happy Birthday, Mama!
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