Dealing with Sexual Violence: 6 Years Later

My allies: Shanna, her step-brother,
Sean and her dad.

I have felt a great desire to share the struggles I have come up against in my recovery. Sometimes, I think the hardest part of being a survivor has to do with the years after, rather than the event itself. The event can last days or mere minutes but the damage to the spirit can take years to heal.

The body of a survivor has been compromised by being put in a violent position involving sex. It can make everyday activities uncomfortable for a very long time. Seeing someone who looks like my assailant can cause me to panic, being alone with a man can turn my stomach and make me uncomfortable. I recognize when these feelings are residual and acknowledge them, then allow them to pass. But, I am always sure to test myself. Is there a legitimate potential for danger? If so, I need to act accordingly.
There are times when I get out of the shower and am physically uncomfortable with my own nudity. I put on a towel quickly and avoid the mirror. It's hard to de-sexualize certain things. It helps to stop, be gentle and remind myself that I am safe and OK. The feeling usually passes quickly but reminds me that I have to work everyday at my recovery.


Counseling helps. Communicating with a trusted friend is also wonderful. However, recovery from a sexual assault can take years, if not a lifetime. Not too long ago, I called my volunteer supervisor at the sexual assault service center I volunteer for. I had had a horrible nightmare. It was the same nightmare that I had had for a long time after the assault. She was wonderful and full of ideas for ways to overcome this bump in my road. She gave me what I needed most, an ear. I've had people ask me what they can do when a friend tells them of a sexual assault. Most want to encourage police contact and give advice. My advice, just listen. Be an ear and a shoulder. Don't judge, push or chastise if the survivor isn't doing what you think they should. It's their journey, all you can do is be supportive.

It's hard for some people to keep their personal feelings out of the aforementioned situation. I remember shortly before my assault, having a conversation with a friend who had been assaulted herself. I was angry with her because she didn't want to go to the police. I felt that she was stronger than that. I thought that she should fight back. It was unfortunate that I became a victim a short time later. The morning after my assault I called her in tears, apologizing for judging her. I now knew the terror that came with being in that position. Speaking to the police or going to the hospital was out of the question. I lay curled in a ball on my bed waiting for my friend to come over. To her great credit, she never once said to me the things that I had said to her. She only got terse with me once, that was when she told me to stop apologizing. She held my hand and cried with me. It was exactly what I needed in those hours.

I usually tell people, if you have never been the victim of a sexual assault, do not presume to know what the victim is going through or tell them what they should do. You cannot fathom the depths of their hell. I recognize now that those feelings and thoughts had nothing to do with my friend's assault. They were my opinions and had no business in her situation.  She had already been a victim, I was making it harder on her by victimizing her with my words. She didn't need a lecture, she needed a friend.

I believe that survivors, once they have established a strong recovery, should be encouraged to help other survivors. They can understand what the survivor needs, a hand to hold and an ear to listen. We are a community and sadly, we are a large one. Our greatest strength is our loyalty to each other and dedication to eradicating this epidemic. I will continue to tell my story, as long as there is someone willing to listen.



copyright 2011 Michelle Cahill